Thursday, March 30, 2017

I Don't Know

How am I holding it together?

Today was the worst possible day to find out the worst possible things.

I will likely not be able to get a job in my field because I don't have any experience in smaller job markets. But in order to be in a smaller job market, I must move at least two hours away from where I live, my fiancé lives and where my friends and family live.

I am exhausted. I make backup plans for my backup plans and I do everything within my power to set myself up for success and yet something always goes wrong and pulls the bottom out from under me.

Think I'm exaggerating? Believe me, I wish I was, but ask anyone and they will tell you I have shitty luck. Like something from a movie bad luck. And I'm getting really tired of fighting the universe to catch a break.

My head has decided suicide is the answer and I am fighting myself every day not to give into the temptation. My body is shaking from lack of sleep and my arm itches to be cut, while my lungs want a cigarette so I can just breath.

My body is exhausted and my mind is more so and I just have to fight to get out of bed every day. I am terrified and angry and bitter and in so much pain I wish I could just explode already so I can get it over with.

I have so much work to do tonight and I am already exhausted just thinking about how late I will be up. I'm scared to be alone.

I don't want to keep fighting. It's just so hard.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017


Most days I'm barely holding it together, but I don't have the luxury to fall apart.

My brain has decided that suicide is a better option than trying to finish school or basically change or do anything better. However, I am not controlled by my thoughts and I refuse to succumb to them. 

Everything hurts and I feel like I'm drowning most days. I'm slow to get up and being a person is complicated most days. Being a responsible adult is hard all on its own.

I'm tired even when I sleep and all I want to do is drink and smoke cigarettes and cut. 

My thoughts hate me y'all. But I guess what doesn't kill you, makes you want to kill yourself, so I guess I'm getting stronger?

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Anxiety and the Impossible Standards of the Unsatisfied

I grew up as your standard happy go lucky kid with a heart too big for my small chest and love spilling out of every part of me. I was always cared for, I was always loved and I was always told I could do anything with a little hard work. Then high school came.

For those of you who read my past blog posts, you'll know my depression first surfaced my junior year of high school. My work ethic dropped, my grades slipped and no one helped, they just judged.

I was the perfect child, the perfect student and the perfect friend for years and then when I tried to reach out, people just let me fall while expecting me to maintain the same high level of achievement I had always met.

It was so painful, I thought I might die from the sheer overpowering emptiness and abandonment I felt when no one was there.

Years later, I have come to realize a sad but honest truth:
People often do not know how to help, so the choose to not acknowledge those struggling around them. 
I have assumed for years that no one helped because of the stigma surrounding mental illness. Or because my grandmother committed suicide, I couldn't be suffering as badly as she had.

You're okay, it's just a phase, you'll grow out of it, it's all in your head.
No. Fucking. Shit it's all in my head.
As I reached the end of my senior year, the expectations reached daunting heights and I had no energy to meet them.

I passed, barely, with straight A's and went on to college where I hoped to exceed the things set before me.
I did not. 
Not the way I expected to anyway. And I think that made it all the better.

Monday, March 27, 2017

I Feel Like I'm the Annoying Friend

Basically, I feel like no one wants me around.

On some level I know I am not. I am a good friend. I'm loyal, steadfast and I am the "mom" of my friend group. I'm always there to give advice, a hug or cook dinner. My door is always open and my couch is super comfy.

Despite all my good qualities, I still feel like my flaws overshadow my strengths.

I'm loud, I take up too much space and I can accidentally dominate a conversation. I put my foot in my mouth a lot and I've never quite figured out when I'm being too weird.

I feel like I embarrass the people around me. I'll straight up tell you I am not normal. I'm a little off and I am a huge fangirl, so I definitely stray into the "who's that weirdo?" category.

I know my friends like me. I mean, I hope they do, since we hang out all the time. And they come to me with important questions, so they must think I'm trust-worthy.

But I still worry I bug them or they just tolerate me. I don't know. I wish I could just hang out with people and not make myself sick with worry once we're done hanging out.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Domestic Disturbances are Terrifying and Infuriating

March 21

It's been 23 minutes since I've phoned the police for the second domestic disturbance call.

23 fucking minutes where anything could have happened to the sobbing woman upstairs who's been being screamed at by an angry man.

I can hear the woman sobbing and screaming "get the fuck away from me," and the man yelling "I'll do.... what.... fucking want!"

I could try to fill in the gaps, but it's hard to understand everything they're saying.

All the banging and scraping and space in between us muffles things a bit.

I'm terrified because this shouldn't be normal. I'm angry because I am weak. I am pained because I cannot serve some kind of justice. I am but an observer and I have done the best I can.

27 minutes. I am beginning to wonder if they will actually come. I am sitting awake on my porch hoping to get a call or to hear something, anything and there is nothing.

I hope everything is okay. I hope everyone is okay. I'm so fucking scared and yet I can do nothing other than what I have done. I want to do more, but I am taking the advice of someone who has lived through the violence and come out on top. I will continue to wait for law enforcement to make an appearance.

I hope they come soon.

It's been an hour and 47 minutes since I phoned to police. I left my apartment soon after the officers arrived and went to get an energy drink as I need to be up in less than 5 hours.

When I came back they were searching the street for something the man had thrown off his balcony. From what I can see it appears to be a bottle of liquid. My guess, of course, is alcohol.

Everything is quiet for the moment, but I doubt there is peace.

March 23

So, I have gotten about two hours of sleep and I feel like shit. I slept Tuesday night, after my classes, but then found out that I slept through another fight between my neighbors and that freaked me out a lot.

So last night, I was like "what if something happens? I need to be awake!"

However, I realized that I do in fact, need to sleep in oder to function, so I took a melatonin and drank some wine in hopes of sleeping through the night.
However, my anxiety is a bitch who likes to make me feel like shit.
So, I am now basically hung over due to a lack of sleep and melatonin. This is my life.

Thankfully, there was no fighting last night, but I am still so worried about the people above me. I hope they're okay, but I highly doubt it.

According to the apartment manager, it's apparently just getting worse.

I'm scared for my neighbors and I can't do shit. I hate that. More than anything.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Self-Expression through Forced Work

Writing a blog is something I've always wanted to do, but never actually accomplished.

See, I've made blogs before, with the full intent of keeping them updated and interesting and yet I have never been able to keep up my work for any period of time. Taking a blogging class really forces you to write.

But not only to write.

While all my work is for a grade, it is also, in fact, one of the best forms of self-expression I have ever experienced. Having to keep up with posts in order to complete the class, has me to do more self inspection and produce higher quality work to go on my blog.

It has pushed me back into old habits that I never should have broken. 

I have read more and written more this semester than I have my entire college career. It has reminded me of the daily journals I used to keep and helped me begin to pick up important work again.

My posts are becoming more uniform as the time goes on.

I started with the idea of using poems as a way to write out my thoughts. However, I was using the poems as a guideline or something to hide behind. I often times feel like what I have to say is unimportant or not worth communicating.

Now, I realize my thoughts are my own and they are just as important as anyone else's. 
Blogging is setting me up for a more successful career because it is increasing my writing and editing abilities by the day.

Since my majors are Professional Media and Photographic Arts, writing everyday increases my chances of doing well in my chosen fields.

I have heard many professionals say you can be good at what you do, but if you can write it makes all the difference. 
Blogging has pushed me to be a better me. It has raised my confidence in myself and my skills as a whole. By getting the my thoughts out into the open, I have released negativity that I seem to always hold onto.

Blogging has forced me to look at myself and the things around me and made me examine the things I do not like or choose to ignore and need to change.  
It's funny what I little soul-searching will turn up in your everyday life.

I feel I have covered everything, but since this is an assignment and I must cover all the criteria I have one final question to answer.

The most important thing I have learned from this class is that when one looks within, even when they have to be forced to consider oneself, one will always find what they are looking for and more. 

Sunday, March 19, 2017

My Thoughts are Keeping me Restless

I can't sleep tonight.

It's kind of strange. I haven't had a night like this in a while.

I've tried drinking it off but alcohol just kind of goes through me like water. As someone who used to drink to sleep, I can't decide if my now high tolerance is a gift or a curse.

My thoughts are scattered to the winds this early morning.

I've watched about four animated movies, as well as a Disney movie. I would recommend Pete's Dragon if you want a cute, kinda action-y movie or The Little Prince if you want to cry. but like, the good kind of cry.

I notice I go back to the same music over and over again. I have certain songs that stick with me like gum to my shoes and others that always seem to sneak back up on me like money in your coat pocket.

It's not that I fear change or hate it. In fact, I greet change with, undoubtedly shaky, but welcome arms.

However, the constants in my life keep me from going insane. 
Well, sometimes. Tonight I am a bit insane.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Tips for Those Unable to Seek Professional Help

So, I don’t know if I have mentioned this yet on my blog, but I am in college and I started this blog because of a class. And honestly? I should’ve done it sooner. This blog has been an incredible relief for me and a place to get my thoughts out on a public platform.

That being said, I have to write a short essay for this class. Below is the essay and I hope that you will read it. I think it contains good information for those who are looking for some.

This is an essay about tips for people who cannot receive therapy for depression and it is interesting because I feel like it can help others who are struggling.

First and in my opinion, most important is self-care. Self-care is taking the time away from things that are stressful in your life to recover your mental well-being. Everyone’s version of self-care is a little different. What works for one person may not work for another. But the most important things to remember is that you need to do it even if you think you don’t have the time.
I had to take time for self-care yesterday.

 I am, at the moment, so terrified of graduating that it is affecting even the smallest things I try to do. I had to write an article for my college’s newspaper and I could barely concentrate. Writing is normally something I excel at, so naturally, I was upset I couldn’t sit and write a simple 500-word story. With my deadline ticking in the background, I forced myself to stop and take a nap. Emily from a few years ago would have been screaming at me for being out of my mind.

“You have an f-ing deadline you stupid bitch! You can’t sleep now!”

This is the exact attitude that would eventually cause me to lose my mind at the end of every semester. The “sleep when I’m dead” attitude did not help me. Instead, taking the time to take care of myself, allowed me to finish the article in about 45 minutes vs. struggling to write it for several hours.

Now, will taking a nap help everyone? No, but something else might. Maybe a jog outside, a video game break or a warm bath.

Just do what you need to do to recover. Don’t stress about how you could use that time for something “more important.” You and your mental stability are incredibly important. Never forget that.

Second is research. Knowing what you are dealing with is incredibly helpful. Information can win wars, why would a real war be any different than the one inside your head?

When you arm yourself with information, you are setting yourself up for success. 

For me, I knew I had a history of mental help problems in my family. I knew some symptoms to be on the lookout for. However, the internet has a plethora of information you can feast upon to beef yourself up for dealing with the things you struggle with.

Third, talk to someone about how you’re feeling.

“Wait,” you might be wondering, “I thought this about if you couldn’t speak to a therapist?” This is, but never doubt that talking to someone can help. Maybe they know someone who can connect you to a professional or at the very least, they can be a shoulder to lean on when the days get hard.

Talking about what you’re going through, even if it’s just with a trusted friend will help you feel better.

Bottling it up will only make the situation worse. I would know, when you can’t take it anymore and you finally burst, it’s fire and brimstone and tears and pain and it is not worth trying to shoulder the burden all by yourself.

While all these things can help maintain your mental stability, they can never replace speaking to a professional. There are resources available for cheap and sometimes free.

There are online therapists waiting to talk to you. Suicide hotlines are free and are a good outlet when you’re looking for someone to talk to. If you’re in college, there may even be a free clinic on campus you can visit.

Please never forget, you are not alone. There are others struggling right along with you and you often times can reach out to them for advice or just a simple shoulder to cry on. You are loved, you are important. Never forget that.

My Thoughts are Wrong and I Can't Fix It

If my boyfriend didn't study people's psychological behavior for a living, he would probably assume I'm crazy.

I mean, I am off my rocker, but he knows I'm not that crazy.

Man, that sounds bad. Let me explain.

I was driving up to Tulsa late one night when some stupid bastard decided it would be a good idea to throw a large, heavy object off a bridge at someone's car. I happened to be driving under said bridge when said boy threw said object.

I don't know whether to be thankful or angry that it didn't go through my windshield. 

I probably would have died if it had. 

Almost dying makes you think about a lot of things I'm sure.

Apparently, one thing you should not think is: 

"I wish I had died because me as I am now is a waste of space and energy and if I would have died my energy would have been converted to something more useful."

Also, most people don't consider how it would have felt and whether or not it would have been enjoyable.

Or how inconvenient your existence must be that even a stupid kid couldn't get the job done.

And apparently, you're not supposed to think things like this on a regular basis.

My brain is weird.