Sunday, July 30, 2017

My Thoughts Continue to Taunt Me

I can not cry at work.

I can not cry at work.

I can not cry at work.

No matter how far my mental capacity has plummeted in the past, moving back into my parent's house was a horrendous decision and has caused so much mental stress.

I can not remember the last time I was this bad.

Before I returned, I convinced myself that the negative memories were all just in my head.

That I was just over exaggerating the situations and the way they went down. 

Being back in their environment has shown me I was not making shit up.

I was not blowing things out of proportion. 

My self-esteem is at an all time love.

I want to eat everything and nothing.

My default answer to everything negative is:

"I should just die."

I want to cut.

I want to drink and smoke and dissipate into the universe. 

Words keep running over and over in my head.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.


I refuse to let go.

I refuse to give in.

I refuse to allow the poison to soak through my veins and keep me drowning. 

I am realizing I can not heal in the environment that made me sick.

But I know I will get out.

I will get better.

I will not allow my demons to win.

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