Uneasy Meanderings

*someone says something nice about me/compliments me* Ya but you see *pulls out charts and a PowerPoint* this is why I'm shit and you're wrong.

I'm wrong. I mean, I just can't do anything right. I've been moved into my apartment for a month and I still haven't finished moving all my boxes. Even my sofa and dresser are still in storage and all I have to do is call the moving company. That's it! My parents are paying for it cause my fiancé and all moved all their furniture but I can't even get on the website to get a quote. Why? Idk ask my fucking useless brain! I need to finish painting our bedroom. But I can't bring myself to open a damn can of paint. Why? Ask my useless brain it's convinced it's too fucking hard. I need to clean and organize. Something I fucking enjoy doing. But I can't and I don't fucking know why! It's the stupidest thing just fucking do it. I need to cook and meal prep and take care of myself, personal hygiene is important but my brain keeps telling me I can't! Or maybe I can but I don't have the energy. I don't. I don't have a

Brain: Something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong! Me: What?! What's wrong, why are you pannicking? Brain: I just know something is wrong, idk what but something is! Me: Alright, guess I'll just sit here and panic then.

Somedays I feel like I can take on the world. Like I am so much more powerful and amazing then people know. On those days I refuse to apologize for being me. I take up space and I can be heard. I don't shy away but stand up and am proud of who I am, what I've accomplished and how far I've come. But then there are other days. And on those days I just want to disappear. I feel like I do everything wrong. That I've done everything wrong. That I am wrong. I become unable to process normal interactions and my mind turns every single one into something that needs to be looked at over and over and over again with a microscope to see where I went wrong, because goddamnit I know I did something wrong! I broke something, something is broken, I can feel it in the sidelong glances. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I miss the social cues? Did I bother them? Are they annoyed? Did I cross some invisible line and now I've shattered any chance I have of being your friend?

Why the fuck do I always feel like I'm wrong?

It's 4 in the morning. And I have work today. I should be sound asleep right now. But I'm not. Obviously. Instead, I'm sitting here wondering why I try so hard to connect with other people and why I try so hard to make friends. I'm so horrible at it. Do you ever have a conversation with someone or go a whole day feeling comfortable talking to someone and then all the sudden? BAM! It hits you out of left field that you're probably being weird or you get the feeling of dread that you've shared too much and all the sudden you can't think back and go "oh ya, we had some good conversation moments," but instead start analyzing every single fucking thing you said?! "Holy shit I can't believe I said that." "Was that weird?" "Was that wrong?" "Do other people not talk that way?" "Do I talk weird?" "Are my speech patterns wrong?" "Did I annoy them? Scare them off? Will they ever

I'm about two seconds away from completely snapping Or maybe I'm two seconds away after having already snapped No one's home tonight It'll be just me My thoughts All alone in a big empty house With alcohol and guns and pillls and knives. I should probably drive I will drive Around and around and around Music up way too loud Maybe I can drown it all out You're not worth it.    They're all going to leave. They're going to realize it. Sooner or later. That you're not who you seem to be. They'll realize and leave. Just like they did. If your parents saw it and dropped you, what's stopping anyone else? Where did our sweet Emily Angel go? What have you done with her? This isn't you. Do we need to send you to a psych ward? You're acting insane! That's because I am.

*sits in bed, unable to force myself to do important things cause my brain fucking hates me* Why are you like this?

So wow. I just read through my whole blog (it's not a ton of posts, but it's a good chunk of things I suppose) and I figured it's been a long time so an update so anyone who reads this (highly doubtful, but a kid can dream) knows where I'm at. I've been on anti-depressants for almost a year and for me, they are working out well. While I am still currently living at my parents, I am moving out in May to live with Devin. I am so thrilled and terrified it is unreal. I actually did get a full-time job in my field. I equally hate and love my job. I hate it because I realize I really just want to do film. I love it because I am getting so strong from carrying around 60 plus pounds of camera equipment and am outside almost every day. Also being a news photographer is weird. People either really like you or absolutely hate you. I haven't ever come out on this blog, but I recently realized I am genderfluid and my fiancé accepts and loves me just the way I am. I c

So, it's been a while. I dropped this blog after graduation for some damn reason. Stupid of me, really. But I've had no inspiration to write. It's like my depression runs me in circles. I write because I have depression. But my depression stops me from writing.  I guess I'm an adult now? Full time job? Check. Moving into an apartment with my fiancé? Check.  Getting married? Check. Taxes? Check. It's like I have my life togther. But my mind is coming apart at the seams. I'm stuck in a weird place.  I want to kill myself. But I know I won't. So my brain is stuck in limbo. Like I'm standing on the edge, but refusing to step off. And because I'm fighting so hard not to step off, I can't make myself step back. To turn away and try to get better. It's honestly infuriating in the worst kind of way. I want to get better, but I'm so exhausted from trying not to ge