Thursday, March 30, 2017

I Don't Know

How am I holding it together?

Today was the worst possible day to find out the worst possible things.

I will likely not be able to get a job in my field because I don't have any experience in smaller job markets. But in order to be in a smaller job market, I must move at least two hours away from where I live, my fiancé lives and where my friends and family live.

I am exhausted. I make backup plans for my backup plans and I do everything within my power to set myself up for success and yet something always goes wrong and pulls the bottom out from under me.

Think I'm exaggerating? Believe me, I wish I was, but ask anyone and they will tell you I have shitty luck. Like something from a movie bad luck. And I'm getting really tired of fighting the universe to catch a break.

My head has decided suicide is the answer and I am fighting myself every day not to give into the temptation. My body is shaking from lack of sleep and my arm itches to be cut, while my lungs want a cigarette so I can just breath.

My body is exhausted and my mind is more so and I just have to fight to get out of bed every day. I am terrified and angry and bitter and in so much pain I wish I could just explode already so I can get it over with.

I have so much work to do tonight and I am already exhausted just thinking about how late I will be up. I'm scared to be alone.

I don't want to keep fighting. It's just so hard.