Friday, June 23, 2017

It Must Be Me

It's been a while since I've written.

I graduated.

I got a job in my field (kinda).

And I moved home.
But it isn't home.

Where people love you unconditionally.

Where they do things for you because they love you.

Where they accept you for you and all your weird quirks.

Where they treat you like a member, not an outcast.

Where you don't have to hide.
This place is an asylum.

Where they love you if you fit their standards.

Where they do things for you, then lord it over you like you owe them for their gifts.

Where they make fun of everything, you like or enjoy.

Where they bully you, blame you for it and then laugh it off because "it was just a joke."

Where you have to hide part of yourself for fear of rejection.

I am suffocating.

I'm drowning.
I want to die.
I have gone from being (and I quote), "the happiest I've ever seen you, to back when you were in high school, and you told me you wanted to kill yourself."

Heh.

It's probably my own fault anyway.

I'm the one who doesn't find their jokes funny.

I'm the one who reacts badly

I'm the one who doesn't fit.

I'm the one who always cries.

It must be me.

Right?

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Another Sleepless Night (AKA a tribute to Cecil Palmer)

"A friendly desert community where the sun is hot,
The moon is beautiful, 
And mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
Welcome to Night Vale." 

Hello, listeners...

Or readers, I suppose.

Though if you caught the reference that's awesome.

And if you haven't listened to Welcome to Night Vale, you should seriously check it out.

I have not slept today. Which is good, cause I have to buckle down and start moving out of my apartment today.

Nicely done, Emily.

Putting this off to the last minute.

Smart.

I don't really know what my deal is.

It's not that hard to do things right?

Like, say, just to get up and grab a glass of water.

Or actually, take a shower and brush my teeth.

Not complicated, right?
Wrong! Dead fucking wrong...
For some reason, even the most menial tasks seem to elude me, which is at least, annoying

And at most, a massive breakdown waiting to happen.

Ahh, don't you just love the sunrise?

The colors that burst forth, telling you a new day is here?

Or reminding you that your lack of sleep will result in horrible consequences?
Ya, we love that too!
I was supposed to have a job by today.

Or at least, an official offer letter for said job.

But alas, I have no such certainty and am beginning to wonder, dear readers, if I will even receive the job at all.
Isn't that great?!
I apologize to anyone reading this who has not heard the above-mentioned podcast.

This entire post was written in the format of that show because I have listened to it non-stop and don't have enough creativity at the moment to write without a guideline of some kind.

I have also had about 25 mistypes in the past three minutes.

So that's good.

I feel like everything is surreal.
Cause you know, sleep deprivation.
My brain is not functioning correctly and I feel as though my body is dying.

I think I might try to nap, then go get some coffee.

Wish me luck in my endeavors, Dear Readers.


And,
Good Night, Night Vale,
Goodnight. 

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

I Can't Sleep (Trigger warning, suicidal thoughts)

So, I've basically driven back and forth from Tulsa the past 4 or 5 days.

For an excellent reason mind you and I will do it again in a heartbeat.

Devin got all his work done after we both haven't slept in several days.

I don't think this is making much sense, to be honest. My brain is literally fried right now.

Editing papers is hard.

I don't know how I'm feeling.

I feel ok. But my brain also keeps telling me to die.
Die, die, die you stupid bitch, you're not worth the space you're in. Die cunt, your life isn't worth anything. Die, you don't mean anything. Don't deserve anything. Won't get anywhere in life. You're a failure. Die, cut, bleed, release.
Tonight is hard.

But I got some of the poison out and written down.

Maybe I can sleep.

Probably not. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Today Should be a Good Day

I am so sick and tired of my brain.

Today should be a good day.

Today should be the best fucking day of my life so far.

I graduated from college yesterday.

I have my entire life ahead of me and all I feel like is dying.

Like the fuck is this shit?

I am smart, I am strong and I am confident.

I am good at what I know how to do and I can learn the things I don't know.

I am pretty without makeup and gorgeous with it.

I have a body some people would be over the moon to have.

And yet I feel trapped inside myself and like I am not worth the space I take up.

Honestly, it's relaly annoying when I feel like I have a million different personalities inside me and none of them can agree.

One wants me dead.

One wants me to run away.

One wants me to grow up.

One wants advenrute.

One wants me to stay young.

One is cool and just wants to be a dragon and I'm inclined to join her in her endeavors. lol.

But seriously, I don't know that to think of all these things I want to do. Some are, sadly, impossible. Other improbable or basically just not okay by any standards.

I don't know what the think. And I'm never sure what to do.

But what I am going to do it get up, shower, put on some makeup and go hang out with my family. Cause at least I know I can do that.


I'm Done

So I graduated yesterday.

And I'm going to pass all my classes.

At least four of them are A's. So that's pretty spectacular.

But today I just feel weird.

Off.

Like I made it but why am I so out of it and so confused and muddled in my mind.

My body is exhausted as is my mind.

I got a sunburn yesterday. Cause we were outside way longer than I thought we were going to be so that's fun.

Idk I think my head is off.

I need to do something. But I don't know what.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Down to the Wire

I have two weeks of school left.

Two weeks till I close this chapter on my life.
Holy hell, I'm scared.
The past 17 or so years has been spent doing some for of school.

Turning in assignments, meeting deadlines, doing homework, having extracurricular activities.

I have never once in my life not had some sort of schoolwork to do.

And in two weeks, I will never again have homework to turn in.
Holy shit, I'm excited.
Everyone kept telling me it was going to be okay.

And I finally believe them.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Almost There

So, been a while since I've blogged. Sorry about that.

I've been so busy with school, I haven't really had a chance to slow down.

My new medicine seems to be working well. I feel more on top of things, more put together and I've had a lot easier time talking myself down out of a panic or anxiety attack. My brain is no longer fighting me. We've both agreed the future is beyond scary, but suicide is not the answer.

Working hard and improving myself are the best answer, even if it takes a while to get a job or find my way.
Not all those who wander are lost, right?
 Plus, I'm getting married to the best man I have ever met. Can't skip out on that. Our adventure is just beginning.

I finally got my final portfolio done. You guys, this photo series came out better than I ever could have hoped for!

Like, I can't believe I'm the one who shot it. And I know that sounds conceited but honestly, I could not care less, cause it's awesome!

I think I'm finally gonna get a tattoo. I've wanted one since I was 16, but my mom told me if I got one, they wouldn't help me pay for college.

Then, I keep thinking I should lose weight and look "pretty" before I get one.

However, I've come to the conclusion that I can be beautiful without being skinny, so I think I'm gonna get one.

A simple semi-colon on my wrist.

Nothing grand but incredibly special.