Posts

How Things Change as the Seasons Fly By

 I mentioned to a friend that when everything else around me is going crazy or I can't figure out my thoughts or when I just need to let something out, I always turn back to writing. And then I realized, I haven't updated this blog in over a year. Whoops. And my last post was pretty bad. I was really going through it.  Ironically enough, I lost the job that was causing me burnout not long after that post (thanks Covid) and everything just went kind of off the rails. Honestly, everything is still off the rails. Nothing is the same, I still haven't found the financial stability I'm used to, a lot of our future plans changed... And I'm just rolling with it. Crazily enough, I am okay. Mentally more stable than I have been in years, more comfortable with my body than I ever have been and my relationships are going strong.  It's insane. My life is absolutely out of control and more calm than ever.  Learning to let go is an amazing feeling. Mind you, I'm not just d

Complacent in Life; Disillusioned to my Drowning

TRIGGER WARNING: Self-Harm, Extremely Destructive Thoughts I relapsed hard last night. The rabbit hole beckoned and I didn't think. I just jumped. Wind rushing in my ears, blood pumping, goosebumps prickling my skin. An instant high, filled with so much energy and adrenaline. Tiny crimson rivers, drip, drip, dripping down my arm, leeching the extra out and allowing some space to just breathe. Just how long have I been drowning? Desperately reaching towards the surface, only to be dragged lower.  All it took was that thin, beautiful sliver of silver and I took my first deep breath in months. Self-harm is terrifyingly addictive.  Maybe even more so now after being clean for so fucking long. It's been years. Four years, to be exact. College, driving back to the stress-filled environment that was classes, feeling so isolated, being afraid someone would see through the cracks in my mask.  Shouldn't I be past this? Shouldn't I be able to handle my mental illness like the godd

Just When I Think I'm Better

TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm Man you know, I changed my color scheme, I wrote a nice, positive post, I thought I maybe, just maybe,  FINALLY had this whole life thing sorta handled HAHAHHAHAHAH FUCK Man I am in such a good mood,  Who woulda thought something so bad would feel so lovely! I cut the fuck out of my arm for the first time in... Well shit, I don't remember the last time. My, then fiancĂ©, now husband was still living in Tulsa. ...... Holy Shit I was still in college. Man, that's a bit of a bummer.

Thoughts #9

I've lived as half of myself for so long, it's weird to be filling in all the gaps inside me I am a universe and I let myself believe I was incomplete Crazy

Ahtohallan

You know This blog has been a weird way for me to communicate how I feel incomplete in myself It's time for an upgrade Hi. My name is Em, Emily or Stevie I am a genderfluid bitch with a new way to handle my life I am strong I am worthy I am beautiful I am complete within  myself and I am who I have always searched for I was here the whole time And now I know I am complete I am whole And fuck anyone who tries to make me feel otherwise I am the one I've been waiting for all of my life I will show myself as me The queen, the goddess I am Steve Rogers And anyone who wants to take that from me can fuck off Also, my favorite color is pink. Welcome to the new color scheme

Thoughts #8

I'm so panicked I'm calm. ... What the fuck?

My Daily Mantra

I'm fine I'm okay Everything is fine I can do this I can handle this I can breath I'm fine I'm okay Everything is fine I can do this I can handle this I can breath Breath Breath Please breath I'm fine I'm okay Everything is fine I can do this I can handle this I can breath