Saturday, August 19, 2017

Nights Like Tonight

Nights like tonight get to me

I am alone

The world is a dark void

This house is silent

My mind, a turbulent sea ready to swallow me whole

Unfinished thoughts and things needing to be forgotten cause a cacophony in my head

And beat against my chest

Squeezing my heart

Destroying my lungs

The world is so fucked up

Nazis. Literally fucking Nazis roam the streets

And I want to punch every goddamn one

What the fuck is happening.

What in the actual fuck is happening.

We are at war and I want to jump to aid those in need

But I feel as though I will fail

And never make a difference.

I guess what people don't realize is how little self preservation I posses.

Someone comes after me?

Cool beans, I deserve all things bad and negative why should I fight it.

Come after literally anyone else?

I will throw myself into your path like I am a fucking Captain America

But let's be real people, I'm really just pre-serum Steve Rogers.

I don't know where I'm going with this?

I guess my brain hurts

My stomach is sick

I see this hatred festering like a pulsating wound

Hot with infection and seeping with puss and disease

People want to heal it, but other just keep scratching at it

(get that image out of your brain, bleck)

It's fucked man.

So fucked.

And my brain can't handle it.

And my body hates it.

And my soul weeps over the lives lost

The lives that will be lost.

What the fuck you guys.

What the fuck.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

My Thoughts Continue to Taunt Me

I can not cry at work.

I can not cry at work.

I can not cry at work.

No matter how far my mental capacity has plummeted in the past, moving back into my parent's house was a horrendous decision and has caused so much mental stress.

I can not remember the last time I was this bad.

Before I returned, I convinced myself that the negative memories were all just in my head.

That I was just over exaggerating the situations and the way they went down. 

Being back in their environment has shown me I was not making shit up.

I was not blowing things out of proportion. 

My self-esteem is at an all time love.

I want to eat everything and nothing.

My default answer to everything negative is:

"I should just die."

I want to cut.

I want to drink and smoke and dissipate into the universe. 

Words keep running over and over in my head.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I am not okay and I want to die.

I refuse to let go.

I refuse to give in.

I refuse to allow the poison to soak through my veins and keep me drowning. 

I am realizing I can not heal in the environment that made me sick.

But I know I will get out.

I will get better.

I will not allow my demons to win.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Worst of Days (warning for suicidal thoughts)

I really feel like killing myself today. 

My chest is too tight, my heart is being crushed and I can't quite breathe right. 

My hands are shaking, my body's aches and I want nothing more than to cut the things from my soul that rip and shred and poison me. 

I hate this.

I hate myself. 

I hate the body I inhabit and the space I take up. 

I want to disappear or sleep for an eternity. 

I wish to be nothing.

I want to kill myself today.

Friday, June 23, 2017

It Must Be Me

It's been a while since I've written.

I graduated.

I got a job in my field (kinda).

And I moved home.
But it isn't home.

Where people love you unconditionally.

Where they do things for you because they love you.

Where they accept you for you and all your weird quirks.

Where they treat you like a member, not an outcast.

Where you don't have to hide.
This place is an asylum.

Where they love you if you fit their standards.

Where they do things for you, then lord it over you like you owe them for their gifts.

Where they make fun of everything, you like or enjoy.

Where they bully you, blame you for it and then laugh it off because "it was just a joke."

Where you have to hide part of yourself for fear of rejection.

I am suffocating.

I'm drowning.
I want to die.
I have gone from being (and I quote), "the happiest I've ever seen you, to back when you were in high school, and you told me you wanted to kill yourself."


It's probably my own fault anyway.

I'm the one who doesn't find their jokes funny.

I'm the one who reacts badly

I'm the one who doesn't fit.

I'm the one who always cries.

It must be me.


Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Another Sleepless Night (AKA a tribute to Cecil Palmer)

"A friendly desert community where the sun is hot,
The moon is beautiful, 
And mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
Welcome to Night Vale." 

Hello, listeners...

Or readers, I suppose.

Though if you caught the reference that's awesome.

And if you haven't listened to Welcome to Night Vale, you should seriously check it out.

I have not slept today. Which is good, cause I have to buckle down and start moving out of my apartment today.

Nicely done, Emily.

Putting this off to the last minute.


I don't really know what my deal is.

It's not that hard to do things right?

Like, say, just to get up and grab a glass of water.

Or actually, take a shower and brush my teeth.

Not complicated, right?
Wrong! Dead fucking wrong...
For some reason, even the most menial tasks seem to elude me, which is at least, annoying

And at most, a massive breakdown waiting to happen.

Ahh, don't you just love the sunrise?

The colors that burst forth, telling you a new day is here?

Or reminding you that your lack of sleep will result in horrible consequences?
Ya, we love that too!
I was supposed to have a job by today.

Or at least, an official offer letter for said job.

But alas, I have no such certainty and am beginning to wonder, dear readers, if I will even receive the job at all.
Isn't that great?!
I apologize to anyone reading this who has not heard the above-mentioned podcast.

This entire post was written in the format of that show because I have listened to it non-stop and don't have enough creativity at the moment to write without a guideline of some kind.

I have also had about 25 mistypes in the past three minutes.

So that's good.

I feel like everything is surreal.
Cause you know, sleep deprivation.
My brain is not functioning correctly and I feel as though my body is dying.

I think I might try to nap, then go get some coffee.

Wish me luck in my endeavors, Dear Readers.

Good Night, Night Vale,

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

I Can't Sleep (Trigger warning, suicidal thoughts)

So, I've basically driven back and forth from Tulsa the past 4 or 5 days.

For an excellent reason mind you and I will do it again in a heartbeat.

Devin got all his work done after we both haven't slept in several days.

I don't think this is making much sense, to be honest. My brain is literally fried right now.

Editing papers is hard.

I don't know how I'm feeling.

I feel ok. But my brain also keeps telling me to die.
Die, die, die you stupid bitch, you're not worth the space you're in. Die cunt, your life isn't worth anything. Die, you don't mean anything. Don't deserve anything. Won't get anywhere in life. You're a failure. Die, cut, bleed, release.
Tonight is hard.

But I got some of the poison out and written down.

Maybe I can sleep.

Probably not. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Today Should be a Good Day

I am so sick and tired of my brain.

Today should be a good day.

Today should be the best fucking day of my life so far.

I graduated from college yesterday.

I have my entire life ahead of me and all I feel like is dying.

Like the fuck is this shit?

I am smart, I am strong and I am confident.

I am good at what I know how to do and I can learn the things I don't know.

I am pretty without makeup and gorgeous with it.

I have a body some people would be over the moon to have.

And yet I feel trapped inside myself and like I am not worth the space I take up.

Honestly, it's relaly annoying when I feel like I have a million different personalities inside me and none of them can agree.

One wants me dead.

One wants me to run away.

One wants me to grow up.

One wants advenrute.

One wants me to stay young.

One is cool and just wants to be a dragon and I'm inclined to join her in her endeavors. lol.

But seriously, I don't know that to think of all these things I want to do. Some are, sadly, impossible. Other improbable or basically just not okay by any standards.

I don't know what the think. And I'm never sure what to do.

But what I am going to do it get up, shower, put on some makeup and go hang out with my family. Cause at least I know I can do that.