Sunday, June 17, 2018

Something's Wrong (Trigger Warning for Depressed Thoughts and Mentions of Suicide/Self Harm {Not anything really bad or strongly worded, but still})

I'm wrong.

I mean, I just can't do anything right.

I've been moved into my apartment for a month and I still haven't finished moving all my boxes. Even my sofa and dresser are still in storage and all I have to do is call the moving company. That's it! My parents are paying for it cause my fiancé and all moved all their furniture but I can't even get on the website to get a quote. Why? Idk ask my fucking useless brain!

I need to finish painting our bedroom. But I can't bring myself to open a damn can of paint. Why? Ask my useless brain it's convinced it's too fucking hard.

I need to clean and organize. Something I fucking enjoy doing. But I can't and I don't fucking know why! It's the stupidest thing just fucking do it.

I need to cook and meal prep and take care of myself, personal hygiene is important but my brain keeps telling me I can't!

Or maybe I can but I don't have the energy.

I don't.

I don't have anything.

I can't even help my friends. That's what I do best.

"You're a healer." "You help people." "You give good advice." "Thank you for always being there."

But I can't even do that right now?!

Why?! Ask my useless fucking brain!

"You're preachy." "That's useless information." "You can't even get your own life together."

Preachy. Preachy. Guess I'm my fucking mom now!

"Clean up your mess." "Lose weight." "Be healthy." "Don't be stupid." "That's disappointing."

I guess that's all I am now.

Preachy.

How can I post this? Why?

Maybe I just need to get the toxicity out of myself but I don't know how.

I honestly, just want to curl up and die. Or cut. Or drink. Or smoke a cigarette. Or sleep.

I think I'm gonna go clean now.

Guess I'll just preach to the dirt and make it disappear.

Cause I guess I don't help.

I just preach.

Everything just hurts.

I just want to help.





Saturday, March 24, 2018

Thoughts #5

Brain: Something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong!

Me: What?! What's wrong, why are you pannicking?

Brain: I just know something is wrong, idk what but something is!

Me: Alright, guess I'll just sit here and panic then.

Monday, March 19, 2018

It's a "Let's Overanalyze Everything!" kind of week... month... months.

Somedays I feel like I can take on the world. Like I am so much more powerful and amazing then people know. On those days I refuse to apologize for being me. I take up space and I can be heard.

I don't shy away but stand up and am proud of who I am, what I've accomplished and how far I've come.

But then there are other days.

And on those days I just want to disappear. I feel like I do everything wrong. That I've done everything wrong. That I am wrong.

I become unable to process normal interactions and my mind turns every single one into something that needs to be looked at over and over and over again with a microscope to see where I went wrong, because goddamnit I know I did something wrong!

I broke something, something is broken, I can feel it in the sidelong glances. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I miss the social cues? Did I bother them? Are they annoyed?

Did I cross some invisible line and now I've shattered any chance I have of being your friend?

I'm so broken I can't even touch other people without shattering the bridge on my way to reach them.

Why am I so broken?

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Thoughts #4

Why the fuck do I always feel like I'm wrong?

How to Interact like a Normal Human Being

It's 4 in the morning. And I have work today. I should be sound asleep right now.

But I'm not. Obviously.

Instead, I'm sitting here wondering why I try so hard to connect with other people and why I try so hard to make friends. I'm so horrible at it.

Do you ever have a conversation with someone or go a whole day feeling comfortable talking to someone and then all the sudden?

BAM!

It hits you out of left field that you're probably being weird or you get the feeling of dread that you've shared too much and all the sudden you can't think back and go "oh ya, we had some good conversation moments," but instead start analyzing every single fucking thing you said?!

"Holy shit I can't believe I said that." "Was that weird?" "Was that wrong?" "Do other people not talk that way?" "Do I talk weird?" "Are my speech patterns wrong?" "Did I annoy them? Scare them off? Will they ever talk to me again? And if they do, will their perception of me be clouded by some stupid thing I said?" "Shit now they're gonna ignore me." "Why did I say that?" "Did I say something I forgot and that's why they're being weird?" "Why did I try to interact with them?" "I should have stayed quiet." "Fuck."

"Fuck!"

"FUCK!"

"You're such a fucking idiot for trying. Why did you say that? You messed up. You made a mistake somewhere. You are a mistake."

And all the sudden your hearts in your throat and you can't breathe quite right because you fucked it up again and there's no way to fix it.

There's no way to fix it.

You fucked up again.

Again.

Again.

I just want to be everyone's friend.

Fuck.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

About Two Seconds Away (Trigger Warning for Thought of Suicide, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing)

I'm about two seconds away from completely snapping

Or maybe

I'm two seconds away after having already snapped

No one's home tonight

It'll be just me

My thoughts

All alone in a big empty house
With alcohol and guns and pillls and knives.
I should probably drive

I will drive

Around and around and around

Music up way too loud

Maybe I can drown it all out

You're not worth it.  
They're all going to leave.

They're going to realize it.

Sooner or later.

That you're not who you seem to be.

They'll realize and leave.

Just like they did.

If your parents saw it and dropped you, what's stopping anyone else?

Where did our sweet Emily Angel go?

What have you done with her?

This isn't you.

Do we need to send you to a psych ward?

You're acting insane!

That's because I am.



Thursday, March 8, 2018

Thoughts #3

*sits in bed, unable to force myself to do important things cause my brain fucking hates me*

Why are you like this?

Hi me again (so soon, I know) (TW: cutting)

So wow. I just read through my whole blog (it's not a ton of posts, but it's a good chunk of things I suppose) and I figured it's been a long time so an update so anyone who reads this (highly doubtful, but a kid can dream) knows where I'm at.

I've been on anti-depressants for almost a year and for me, they are working out well.

While I am still currently living at my parents, I am moving out in May to live with Devin. I am so thrilled and terrified it is unreal.

I actually did get a full-time job in my field. I equally hate and love my job. I hate it because I realize I really just want to do film. I love it because I am getting so strong from carrying around 60 plus pounds of camera equipment and am outside almost every day. Also being a news photographer is weird. People either really like you or absolutely hate you.

I haven't ever come out on this blog, but I recently realized I am genderfluid and my fiancé accepts and loves me just the way I am. I cried so hard when he was so kind and accepting. I was so overwhelmed.

While I still feel suicidal a lot, the medication is helping me cope and I've only had 2 major breakdowns recently.

I've quit drinking heavily, haven't touched a cigarette in over a year.

I did cut about 3 months ago. My brain became overloaded and I felt desperate. Kinda a low point, but I'm still a work in progress.

I am equal parts scared and excited for my wedding. It's a big step in my life. I think it'll be wonderful.

While I'm not perfect and I am still in limbo (see post below) I am doing much better staying afloat.

...

Most of the time. :P

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Hey, long time no posts (and it's a mess of a post tbh) (TW: Suicidal Thoughts)

So, it's been a while.

I dropped this blog after graduation for some damn reason.

Stupid of me, really.

But I've had no inspiration to write.

It's like my depression runs me in circles.

I write because I have depression.

But my depression stops me from writing. 

I guess I'm an adult now?

Full time job? Check.

Moving into an apartment with my fiancé? Check. 

Getting married? Check.

Taxes? Check.

It's like I have my life togther.

But my mind is coming apart at the seams.

I'm stuck in a weird place. 

I want to kill myself.

But I know I won't.

So my brain is stuck in limbo.

Like I'm standing on the edge, but refusing to step off.

And because I'm fighting so hard not to step off,

I can't make myself step back.

To turn away and try to get better.

It's honestly infuriating in the worst kind of way.

I want to get better, but I'm so exhausted from trying not to get worse.