Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I Hate My Brain

I am currently stuck in class listening to people giving presentations on blogs and I want nothing more than to run away outside in the rain.

Well, sprinkle I guess? It's not raining hard yet.

I love the rain. I love standing in it and letting it wash away my thoughts.

I hate the way my brain works. I am fighting tooth and nail every day to try and make it through.

My thoughts latch on to the worst possible things and never let it go.

I pray for peace and my mind fights me even still.

I want to cut so fucking badly it's a physical itch under my skin.
Rage: Original Photography by Emily Smith
Supernatural/Mental Illness Photo Series

I want a cigarette to help me breathe, but I'm on birth control so that's a horrible idea.

I want to drink, but I just started antidepressants so that's an even worse idea.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I want to sit in the rain, not in this stupid class... ok class isn't stupid, I love this class, but I don't want to be here today.

But I'm here I guess. Fuck.

Please don't cry, you can't cry today, not here, not now, you don't have the time.

I'm losing my fucking mind y'all.

I am so anxious, so tired, so pissed off at myself and everyone else and I just want to slam my head into a wall. I hate it. I hate my thoughts and myself. I hate everything and I can only sit here in class and try not to let all my depression and rage spill out of me.

I just want to die. But I can't and I won't. I will crawl my way out of this pit, no matter how broken and mangled I become. I can not fall.

I refuse to fall.

Finally Seeking Help and the Fear of Repercussions

So, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. It was interesting to say the least.

Dr. Li is very eccentric and to the point and I thoroughly enjoyed meeting her.

She was very precise in her words and what she wanted to know about me. She asked me how long I had been feeling depressed, she asked about my anxiety and my inability to concentrate for longer than five seconds on anything. She asked for the facts, not the feelings and never once doubted what I was saying.
She took me at my word when I said that I was feeling depressed and did not ask me to justify my mental illness.
She was, however, appalled that I had not sought out professional help in the past.

 I honestly can't say that I haven't thought about it. I have, multiple times in fact. But I have always been scared because my parents have told me repeatedly that if I sought help, it would make an impact on my future, especially where medical insurance is concerned.

Now, as a child born into a medical family, I have been told that having good insurance is absolutely necessary to make it in life and anything that could affect my insurance in the future is a risk not worth taking.
Since insurance views people with mental illnesses as a risk, you are less likely to receive the insurance you want because they are afraid to take a chance on insuring you.
It's absolute bullshit, but that's the way it is.

I was so afraid of losing something in my future, that I refused to take action to help me in my present situation. That was until my fiancé stepped in and told me point blank that one, I needed to seek professional help and two, we would figure it out, together, in the future.
He doesn't care about things being harder for him as long as I receive the medical help I need.
Devin has helped me pushed through my fears and chooses to stand beside me no matter what the circumstances and I could not have dreamed the love of my life would be this wonderful and strong and always be there for me.

Between my fiancé's gentle pushes and my friends' unending encouragement, I am thankful I was brave enough to go see Dr. Li.

Now, let's see how this medication treats me...