I Hate My Brain

I am currently stuck in class listening to people giving presentations on blogs and I want nothing more than to run away outside in the rain.

Well, sprinkle I guess? It's not raining hard yet.

I love the rain. I love standing in it and letting it wash away my thoughts.

I hate the way my brain works. I am fighting tooth and nail every day to try and make it through.

My thoughts latch on to the worst possible things and never let it go.

I pray for peace and my mind fights me even still.

I want to cut so fucking badly it's a physical itch under my skin.

Rage: Original Photography by Em Kemper
Archetypes and Mental Illness Photo Series

I want a cigarette to help me breathe, but I'm on birth control so that's a horrible idea.

I want to drink, but I just started antidepressants so that's an even worse idea.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I want to sit in the rain, not in this stupid class... ok class isn't stupid, I love this class, but I don't want to be here today.

But I'm here I guess. Fuck.

Please don't cry, you can't cry today, not here, not now, you don't have the time.

I'm losing my fucking mind y'all.

I am so anxious, so tired, so pissed off at myself and everyone else and I just want to slam my head into a wall. I hate it. I hate my thoughts and myself. I hate everything and I can only sit here in class and try not to let all my depression and rage spill out of me.

I just want to die. But I can't and I won't. I will crawl my way out of this pit, no matter how broken and mangled I become. I can not fall.

I refuse to fall.