About Two Seconds Away (Trigger Warning for Thought of Suicide, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing)

-
I'm about two seconds away from completely snapping

Or maybe

I'm two seconds away after having already snapped

No one's home tonight

It'll be just me

My thoughts

All alone in a big empty house
With alcohol and guns and pillls and knives.
I should probably drive

I will drive

Around and around and around

Music up way too loud

Maybe I can drown it all out

You're not worth it.  
They're all going to leave.

They're going to realize it.

Sooner or later.

That you're not who you seem to be.

They'll realize and leave.

Just like they did.

If your parents saw it and dropped you, what's stopping anyone else?

Where did our sweet Emily Angel go?

What have you done with her?

This isn't you.

Do we need to send you to a psych ward?

You're acting insane!

That's because I am.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Thoughts are Keeping me Restless

-
I can't sleep tonight. It's kind of strange. I haven't had a night like this in a while. I've tried drinking it off but alcohol just kind of goes through me like water. As someone who used to drink to sleep, I can't decide if my now high tolerance is a gift or a curse. My thoughts are scattered to the winds this early morning. I've watched about four animated movies, as well as a Disney movie. I would recommend Pete's Dragon if you want a cute, kinda action-y movie or The Little Prince if you want to cry. but like, the good kind of cry. I notice I go back to the same music over and over again. I have certain songs that stick with me like gum to my shoes and others that always seem to sneak back up on me like money in your coat pocket. It's not that I fear change or hate it. In fact, I greet change with, undoubtedly shaky, but welcome arms. However, the constants in my life keep me from going insane.  Well, sometimes. Tonight I am a bit in
Read more

My Thoughts Continue to Taunt Me

-
I can not cry at work. I can not cry at work. I can not cry at work. No matter how far my mental capacity has plummeted in the past, moving back into my parent's house was a horrendous decision and has caused so much mental stress. I can not remember the last time I was this bad. Before I returned, I convinced myself that the negative memories were all just in my head. That I was just over exaggerating the situations and the way they went down.  Being back in their environment has shown me I was not making shit up. I was not blowing things out of proportion.   My self-esteem is at an all time love. I want to eat everything and nothing. My default answer to everything negative is: "I should just die." I want to cut. I want to drink and smoke and dissipate into the universe.  Words keep running over and over in my head. I am not okay and I want to die. I am not okay and I want to die. I am not okay and I want
Read more

Finally Seeking Help and the Fear of Repercussions

-
So, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. It was interesting to say the least. Dr. Li is very eccentric and to the point and I thoroughly enjoyed meeting her. She was very precise in her words and what she wanted to know about me. She asked me how long I had been feeling depressed, she asked about my anxiety and my inability to concentrate for longer than five seconds on anything. She asked for the facts, not the feelings and never once doubted what I was saying. She took me at my word when I said that I was feeling depressed and did not ask me to justify my mental illness. She was, however, appalled that I had not sought out professional help in the past.  I honestly can't say that I haven't thought about it. I have, multiple times in fact. But I have always been scared because my parents have told me repeatedly that if I sought help, it would make an impact on my future, especially where medical insurance is concerned. Now, as a child born into a
Read more