Complacent in Life; Disillusioned to my Drowning

TRIGGER WARNING: Self-Harm, Extremely Destructive Thoughts

I relapsed hard last night.

The rabbit hole beckoned and I didn't think.

I just jumped.

Wind rushing in my ears, blood pumping, goosebumps prickling my skin.

An instant high, filled with so much energy and adrenaline. Tiny crimson rivers, drip, drip, dripping down my arm, leeching the extra out and allowing some space to just breathe.

Just how long have I been drowning? Desperately reaching towards the surface, only to be dragged lower. 

All it took was that thin, beautiful sliver of silver and I took my first deep breath in months. Self-harm is terrifyingly addictive. 

Maybe even more so now after being clean for so fucking long.

It's been years. Four years, to be exact. College, driving back to the stress-filled environment that was classes, feeling so isolated, being afraid someone would see through the cracks in my mask. 

Shouldn't I be past this? Shouldn't I be able to handle my mental illness like the goddamn adult I am?

I should tell someone. My husband, my girlfriend, my best friends or hell, my therapist because it's the responsible thing to do. 

I'm so fucking over being responsible.

Get up early, take my meds, make breakfast, drink coffee, drink water, drive to work, edit, drink more water, eat a healthy lunch, drive home, meal prep for the next day, make dinner, clean dishes, budget, drink more water, sleep, rinse and repeat.

 It's tedious, it's monotonous, it's being a full-fledged, functioning member of society. It is being a goddamn adult.

Irresponsibility is so tempting. Treating myself harshly is intoxicating. Cutting is the drug I've been craving.

It won't hurt to indulge for a bit, right?

Filled with everyone else's emotions, being the listener, the surrogate therapist, the advice-giver, the shoulder to cry on, the brave one, the resourceful one, the rock. I'm a sinking statue, cracked and trying to burst at the seams.

Letting go, releasing the pressure might be nice. Just for a little while, just to get rid of some toxin.

Bloodletting was popular for a reason, right?